elvellon (fuuh) wrote in lordoftheragu,

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chapter two

man, sorry for taking so fuggin long.

--Lord of The Ragu, Part Two

Bilbo: *invisible, laughs evily until he trips on a rock and flies through his front door, becoming visible again* Fuck. Ah well, better leave before that...

Gandalf: I suppose you think that was terribly clever!

Bilbo: Not really...but...well, if you say it is.

Gandalf: Well it isn't!

Bilbo: Make up your mind, you stupid old guy!

Gandalf: *whines* No!

Bilbo: Fine then! I'll be off then, because I'm sick of Bag End and Fuudo. And now you're getting on my very nerves. I'm leaving everything to her, though. *grabs a stick and walks to the table* You will keep an eye on Fuudo though, won't you?

Gandalf: Most likely not. Because I'll be off for 17 years learning the history of the Ragu, and she'll have to fend for herself.

Bilbo: Bah, you're no fun.

Gandalf: Yes, well...what about this sauce of yours? Is that staying with Fuudo as well?

Bilbo: Yes, yes, I said everything! Clean out your ears, you git.

Gandalf: *pulls long wax from ears* Mm, yes. Well, give me the sauce.

Bilbo: *pulls small container out from pocket and stares at it with hesitance* Such precious sauce...I cannot give it up...

Gandalf: Hurry it up, I'm old as it is! My milk gets sour, you know.

Bilbo: I cannot part with it though...it's my only...my *eyes glow* tassstyyyy...

Gandalf: Tasty! It's been called that before, but not by you!

Bilbo: OH what business is it of yours what I do with my own food!

Gandalf: I think you've had that sauce long enough!

Bilbo: *furiated* You...you want to dine on it all by yourself!

Gandalf: BILBO BAGGINS...*suddenly looks taller and...madder* Do not take me for some culuniary chef who copies your ideas. I am not trying to steal your recipe! *calms down* I'm trying to taste it...

Bilbo: *shocked, and begins to tremble* G-Ga-Gandalf...*runs up to him quickly and hugs him*

Gandalf: *begins to breast feed him, smiles motherly* All these long years I've known you, I've been there to supply you with the nourishment of a mothers milk and...

Bilbo: *stops drinking for a second* ...Um, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Oh, right, right.

Bilbo: *nods and begins to ...drink from Gandalf again*

Gandalf: Right then, shouldn't you be off? Fuudo could come in any second now.

Bilbo: *not wanting to draw away from, um, Gandalf's breast*

Gandalf: *getting irritated, and begings to push Bilbo away*

Bilbo: *clung on tightly* mmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo *begins to make noise like Prince John in Robin Hood (yes, the Disney one) when he's sucking his thumb*

Gandalf: *pries Bilbo off with his staff and rubs his chest* Ugh, so sore. Well, at least this is how we part, my dear Bilbo.

Bilbo: Damn straight. Let's get high before I leave though. I can't walk to Rivendell without hallucinating. I have to leave this whore house in style. Ya know?

Gandalf: Good idea--

Fuudo: Bilbo, Bilbo! *comes running towards door*

Gandalf: Quick, hide!

Bilbo: *dancing like a lunatic* But where? But where!

Gandalf: *picks up Bilbo and shoves him up the fireplace* Stay there, or try to climb up, or something!

Fuudo: *runs in* Bilbo..Bi---Gandalf! Where is Bilbo?

Gandalf: He's gone to stay with the Elves. He's left you all of Bag End. *pats Fuudo on the shoulder* Along with all of his possesions. Even the Ragu...Oh fuck. Where is it? Great, Bilbo's fucked up again. *walks over to fireplace and reaches up* Bilbo, give me the Ragu, now.

Bilbo: Damnit, Gandalf, why'd you have to talk to me now? You could have just asked me after Fuudo left, or something!

Gandalf: Yes, well...I never thought of that...

Bilbo: So, our wizard isn't so smart after all! The truth has been colored in, and now...

Gandalf: OH shut up, will you! *starts shoving staff up chimney*

Katwise: *comes running in* Fuudo...oh sweet Fuudo...!

Fuudo: Katwise!

Katwise: *comes running in, tackling Fuudo and trying to kiss her* I thought I had lost you!

Fuudo: What do you mean?

Katwise: Well, it's just something Gandalf said...

Fuudo: Wait, wait. Don't even go there. That doesn't happen until we've left for Rivendell.

Gandalf: *turns around from trying to get Bilbo out of the chimney* No, no. You need to go to Bree! At the Inn of The Prancing Pony!

Fuudo: But...

Gandalf: Do as I say!

Fuudo: *begins to cry*

Gandalf: Aw, fuck it. I'm leaving. I'll come back when you're not a cry baby. Bilbo can get out himself. And Kat...

Katwise: Yes?

Gandalf: ...Stop being so gay.

Katwise: Oh, alright sir.

Gandalf: *walking out house* This doesn't make sense at all. Even the movie is more adapted than this.

The Next Day.

Fuudo: *waking up, realizing Katwise is sleeping soundly next to her* ...what the hell happened last night?

Katwise: *talking in sleep* Oh Fuudo, not now! This isn't right...*blushing* Fuuuudoo.....

Fuudo: Ohmygawd. *jumps out window and lands in a bush*

Katwise: *wakes up* Fuudo. Fuudo? Fuudo! ....Fuudo.

Fuudo: *hearing a voice* Who's there! *turns to find a VERY VERY ugly man--no a dwarf, with a parrot on his shoulder*

Dwarf: Yarggg...why'd choo haft to jump in dis bush?

Fuudo: It's my damn bush. Who are you?

Dwarf: I be, uh...

Parrot: I be, uh...

Dwarf: Shut choo mouf, stoopid berd. I'm a pierat.

Fuudo: Don't you mean a pirate?

Dwarf: Don't choo bee a smertase.

Parrot: mmm, pie.

Fuudo: *smiles lightly* Nice bird. *pats it on head*

Dwarf: ...Hey!

Parrot: *eyes water up* Save me, Miss. Save me! This pirate has been mol--

Dwarf: !! YARG !! *begins to slap parrot.* You stupid...*coughs and looks at Fuudo* I mean, such a loving bird...

Fuudo: You're voice isn't very pirate like anymore...

Parrot: *raises voice* YEs...because he is...!

Dwarf: *runs out of bush* ...Gotta go! I mean, YARG! Ho Ho Ho, and bottle of rum! Matey!

Fuudo: Hopefully I'm just high.

Gandalf: *sitting in kitchen when Fuudo comes in* My dear Fuudo, I've come back! It really didn't take 17 years, isn't that swell?

Fuudo: *begins to cry* It is! *hugs Gandalf*

Gandalf: *coughs* hum. Well, yes, very nice. But I have worse news. The Ragu sauce happens to be evil. Yes, it might be a tasty, innocent sauce, but at heart it's evil. It's mother is evil. It's awakening...I can hear it bubble...it's heard it's master dinner bell.

Fuudo: But how? Didn't Sauron die?

Gandalf: Not really. Gollum just took the sauce and ran. Can't blame the fellow, either. Either way, it cannot stay here. Sauron has already realised the sauce is around this area...and he's sent his mafia out. They should be here anytime soon. You must leave immediately.

Fuudo: But where will I go?

Gandalf: Go to Rivendell. I will be waiting there, at the Inn of The---wait...Never mind. Just go to the House of Elrond, the majestic city of Rivendell, the Last Homely Home...

Fuudo: *stuffs birdseed log in pack* What about Bag End? And--*hears bushes shake*

Gandalf: Get down!

Fuudo: *falls to ground and whispers* It's most likely Katwise...

Gandalf: *walks to window and shoves staff at stranger, a loud complaint is heard. Continues to grab whoever is in the bushes and throw him at the table* Gimli son of Gloin, have you been ease-dropping again?!

Katwise: *pops up from bushes* I found some parrot droppings down here! It's quite gross.

Fuudo: *stands up and sighs*

Gimli: Well, yarg, me self is dying for some conversations. I need some new rumors. You know, to spread amongst me pierats. *spits while talks*

Gandalf: *wiping spit from face* Very well then. Run along now, though...because you shouldn't appear until the council.

Gimli: But...*eyes water up*

Gandalf: GO. *points to door*

Gimli: *pouts and walks out door gloomily*

Gandalf: Alright then. Fuudo, I will see you in Rivendell, along with Ms. Gamgee.

Katwise: Oh! *squeels* A quest with Ms. Fuudo! How exciting! How Daring! ...How Romantic! *sings* Does she ever get the girl? What will happen now? Is it up to Kat to save the day?

Gandalf: I pray for you, Fuudo.

Fuudo: *cries* Take me with you! *tugs on Gandalf's robes*

Gandalf: I cannot. I'm going to Isengard, to seek out Saruman, the head of my order. I hate him alot though, he's a dickface.

Fuudo: *nods*

Gandalf: Do you have the sauce, Fuudo?

Fuudo: *places hand on chest pocket, where she keeps the Ragu in the container.

Gandalf: Good. Whatever you do, don't eat this sauce. The forces of Sauron are drawn to it's smell. Good luck, and I will see you at Elrond's Whore Ho---I mean, Elrond's Homely Home! *rides off quickly*

Fuudo: *turns to Katwise*

Katwise: *huge, dopey grin on face*

Fuudo: *turns around, almost frightenly and begins to walk*

To be continued. Obviously, hahahah.

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