--Lord of the Ragu, Part Three
Katwise: This is it.
Fuudo: *turning to Kat* This is what?
Katwise: If I take one more step. . .It'll be the farthest away from my Gaffer's cooking that'll I'll ever be.
Fuudo: Thank god, it's not very tempting. *walks to Kat's side and puts a hand on her shoulder* Come on, Kat. Remember what old Bilbo use to say. . ."It's a dangerous business, Fuudo, going out your door. You take one smell, and there's no knowing where you might go out to dinner."
Katwise: *blushing as Fuudo touches her*
Fuudo: Maybe we should stop to eat now. . .
Gandalf: *riding towards Isengard. . .very fast.*
Saruman: Smoke rises from the bubbling pot of Mt. Doom and Gandalf the Grey comes to Isengard. . .seeking my counsel. Is that not why you are here, old friend?
Gandalf: *kneeling down* Saruman. . .
Gandalf: So the ragu was right under my very nose the whole time. . .!
Saruman: Being the mother a halfling has clearly slowed your mind! You surprise me Gandalf, being as old and wise as you are, still cannot notice such a wonderful sauce under the wing of a hobbit.
Gandalf: But we have time. Time enough to encounter Sauron and act quickly.
Saruman: The forces of Sauron have been growing quietly to the east, and has already unleashed many of his armies.
Gandalf: And how do you know this?
Saruman: I have seen it.
Gandalf: *walking nervously towards pedastal* An non-italian meatball is a dangerous tool, Saruman. All 7 of them haven't been accounted for. *draws blanket over meatball, but feels a strange sense*
Saruman: *sitting down on chair* Sauron's mafia has already left Barad-dur, and are coming here, they will find the ragu, and kill the one that carries it.
Gandalf: *shocked ness, serious music* Fuudo. . .*tries to leave doors but each shut*
Saruman: You did not think a hobbit could resist the will of Sauron, now did you? We must join with Sauron Gandalf, it would be wise my friend. . .
Gandalf: Tell me, friend, when did Saruman the white reason for madness?
Saruman: ARR! *throws staff and claps, funky music begins playing* We'll reason, alright! *drops to floor and breakdances*
Gandalf: Not bad, not bad; check this out. *gets down and breakdancings, spins on head*
Saruman: Spicy moves, but can you handle this? *flops on ground like fish, then stands up and does waves with arms, then continues to drop down and look like he's having a seizure*
Gandalf: *mumbling to self* He's one bad motha. . .
Saruman: *claps again, revealing three orc judges at a panel* We'll settle this, Gandalf the Gay. . .oops, I mean, Grey. . .
Gandalf: *narrows eyes* Alright, Crapman the Stupid. . .oops, I mean, Saruman the White. . .*grins and jumps on floor and spins until he's tilting in the air, jumps back up*
Orc Judge 1: *holds up a 6*
Orc Judge 2: *holds up an 8*
Orc Judge 3: *holds up a 10*
Gandalf: Whoo *raises arms to sky* Go Gandalf, Go Gandalf!
Saruman: We're not in first grade anymore, Gandy. I'll show you some mad skills. *stretches arms and wobbles head; jumps to ground and spins on hands, jumping legs and clapping, then jumps to feet and up and does that repeatedly, ending with a curtsey.*
Orc Judge 1: *holds up a 7*
Orc Judge 2: *holds up an 10*
Orc Judge 3: *holds up a 10*
Gandalf: NOOOOOOOO *faces melts*
Saruman: Game over, bitch. *sends Gandalf flying up to roof, meeting a deathly climax*
Katwise: Fuudo. . .? Fuudo!? Fuudo! *sees Fuudo come up opposite way* I thought I had lost you. . .
Fuudo: What do you mean, Kat?
Katwise: It's just something Gandalf said. . .
Fuudo: What'd he say?
Kat: Don't you leave 'er, Katwise Gamgee. . .and I don't mean to--*falls over as someone runs into her from the crop*
Mippin: *opens eyes widely* Fuudo...Hey Leeny, Look! It's Fuudo Baggins!
Leeny: 'eyyy Fuudo!
Katwise: You've been into Farmer Faggot's crop! *everyone turns to see raging homo with scythe and dogs barking*
Leeny: *shoves crops into Katwise's arms and runs; Mippin and Fuudo follow*
Katwise: HEYYY WAIT. . .*throws crops and runs*
Leeny: Will Farmer Fag ever stop bitching?!
Mippin: Well he's all pissy cause we took a bunch of his meatballs, and the bags of pasta the week before and--
Leeny: Yeah, the point is he's clearly overreacting! *runs up to little ledge, gets bumped off and falls*
Katwise: *landing on Fuudo* This is one of the most happiest days of my life. *cries*
Fuudo: *eyes water up from being scared*
Katwise: Trust a Brandybuck and Took. . .
Leeny: It was just a detour, a shortcut. . .!
Katwise: Shortcut to what?!
Katwise: *punches Mippin in the face and bites Leeny in the ankle as they try to get up and runs over to the shrooms*
Mippin: gimmegimmegimme! *shoves face in patch*
Leeny: *slaps Mippin* Augustas hunny, save some room for later. . .
Fuudo: *walking around, looking* I think we should get off the road. . .*listens more carefully, gets scared* Get off the road!
Leeny: *runs with carrots under pits and all four hide under tree, hooves are heard*
Nazgul Mafia Guy: *comes riding by on dark horse, John Travolta voice* Geeze-a. *stops to smell air, leans down towards tree and looks around*
Fuudo: *watching bugs crawl out, reaches out for sauce, wanting to eat it and disappear*
Nazgul Mafia Guy: *sniffs harder*
Katwise: *tugs on Fuudo's arms lovingly*
Fuudo: *shudders and puts the ragu back in her pocket*
Leeny: *throws a meatball the opposite way, causing the Nazgul Mafia Guy to run away furiously*
Katwise: *picks Fuudo up and rans, following Mip and Leeny*
Leeny: *lands on grass* What the fuck was that?
Fuudo: *pulls Ragu out and looks seriously at it, begins to cry*
Voice in air: Little hobbit, why so glum? *shows self in light*
Mippin: IS THAT. . .?
Leeny: It is!
Joey Bombadil: *prances like a fruit* Err, it is!
Fuudo: Err the movie.
Joey Bombadil: errr!
Joey Bombadil: ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Mippin: I'm hungry.
Joey Bombadil: Ho, little hobbits! Joey Bombadil will bring you to where food and drink may be served, and Lindsberry awaits!
Fuudo: Right. Ok. *follows, others follow*
Joey Bombadil: *sitting at head of golden table, pushes broccoli off plate*
Katwise: Such a beautiful home, and such a fair maiden Lindsberry is.
Fuudo: Yes. . .*pauses and sees Katwise giving a jealous glare* Yes, hum. . .good food. . .
Leeny: *takes a chunk of cheese and smells it*
Lindsberry: Tiny men, hobbits, halflings, midgets, whateva cracka, We advise you don't go straight to Rivendell. For more rest and more adventure, head towards Bree, the Inn of the Prancing Pony, and there you will find further more intructions.
Joey Bombadil: But first, you must run the fields naked, little ones!
Katwise: *shoots HUGE grin towards Fuudo*
Fuudo: *blushing, nervous laugh*
Leeny: Ohhh, yes! *places hand to collar, ready for next instruction*
Mippin: I'm too young, ahh! *turns red* But if you ins--
Fuudo: You know what? I think I hear someone calling us. . .*mumbles under breathe* Fuuudo, oh Fuuudoooo. . .See? Uh, *runs out door, others follow*
Joey Bombadil: Nooo little hobbits! *comes chasing after with an egg beater, but is too slow and stops*
Lindsberry: *comes slowly out* Damn, we'll never have that many in a house at the same time ever again!
Joey Bombadil: It's not my fault. They're scared of you.
Lindsberry: Shut up, at least I didn't bitch about myself until my self went out with me and I just wanted to stay friends! *walks back inside*
Joey Bombadil: What a whore.
Fuudo: *running in night secretly behind trees*
Mippin: What the monkey is going on?
Leeny: That Mafia man was after someone. . .or something. . .Fuudo?
Fuudo: Kat and I must get to Bree, cause um, yes.
Leeny: Right. . .right, Buckleberry Ferry, follow me! *runs and farts repeatedly*
Fuudo: AHHH THE STENCH. . .I'M DYING. *slows down and Nazgul comes running out*
Nazgul Mafia Guy: GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZEEEEEE-A!
Katwise: *unlatches ferry, screams* Fuudo!
Nazgul Mafia Guy: Delicioussssss SAUCEeeeee. . .
Fuudo: *begins to cry, heads toward ferry*
Fuudo: *jumps onto boat, barely making it*
Nazgul Mafia Guy: Geeze-a! We'll get you halflings, we always get you in the end!