elvellon (fuuh) wrote in lordoftheragu,

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Critics call it, "The shittiest LOTRagu chapter yet!"


--Lord of the Ragu, Part Four

Fuudo: *knocks on gate while its pouring rain*

Gatekeeper: *opens hatchett and looks down* I thought I smelled cabbage...what do you want?

Fuudo: We wish to stay at the Inn. . .our business is our own!

Gatekeeper: *opening door* Alright, alright. . .didn't mean to upset you.

Fuudo: *walking by strangers in Bree in the rain, passes by a very hairy man* Look! Leeny. . .Mippin, Katwise! It's Peter Jackson!

Peter Jackson: *holding pot of honey like Pooh bear* Heyy! It's you. . .that character in that movie of mine. . .

Katwise: Do you remember me?
Peter Jackson: *eating a 'small smackeral' of honey, and getting it on his beard* Yeah, I think so. *peers at Kat* Oh. . .yeah! You're that gay one.

Katwise: You DO remember!

Mippin: *staring at honey* I wanttt some!

Peter Jackson: Get your own honey, you smelly hobbit!

Leeny: Hey now, PJ. . .We're your adaptions of the book, give us some props.

Peter Jackson: Well, I. . .

Leeny: Well, you....YOINK! *grabs honey from PJ's hands and runs*

Peter Jackson: AH! *starts running, as his shirt pulls up and he pushes it back down, and he growls, then eventually trips over his shoelaces* Damn you!

Mippin: *sticks tongue out*

Fuudo: *walks into the Prancing Pony and shakes rain off, then walks up to huge 934905069 foot counter and hops up yelling for service* Hey! Hey...*tears up* Someone help me!

Katwise: I will, Miss Fuudo! *runs over and pulls Fuudo over shoulders*

Fuudo: Thank you, Katwise! *sincerity*

Katwise: No problem! *Grins as she is able to try and look up Fuudo's shirt*

Barliman Butterbur: Hello! *Smelling hands innocently* If you're looking for accommadations, we've got some nice hobbit sized rooms. And your name is?

Fuudo: Getaboutit. We're friends of Gandalf the Grey. . .could you tell him we've arrived?

Butterbur: Gandalf?

Fuudo: Yeah, perky breasts, motherly smile. . .he wears a cheap ghetto rag.

Butterbur: Ohh yes. . .Why, I haven't seen him since our last "encounter." Except I have this letter here I'm suppose to forget to give you. I guess I can have Nob get your things and you can go rest in the pub and mess with my common, human Bree folk that will probably scare you more than like you.

Fuudo: . . .Nob?

Butterbur: Nob, get your ass out here!
Nob: *holding mop covered in white stains, and says in a dismayed voice* Yes?

Butterbur: Bring these ho's to there table. . .It seems we've got a sauce-loving group here. Skettiz for all! Also, bring their luggage up to their room, will ya?

Nob: Oooo, skettiz! *laughing stupidly* Come this way, fellow hobbits!

Fuudo: *sitting down and breaking breadsticks, finally notices strange man looking in her direction* Katwise. . .there's a strange fella, sitting in the corner munchiwunching on lomsticks of toast!

Butterbur: *walking by with serving tray* Why, that's Strider son, he's the ranger. He's a dangerous kind. . .not one to meddle with. . .he milks you of all the money you've got. He's quite a macdaddy.

Fuudo: Strider. . .*begins to feel up ragu container in pocket*

Katwise: Where is Leeny and Mippin, anyway?

Fuudo: They must be. . .*quits in middle of sentence, as she realizes Strider is eyeing her, and nodding to his right, signalling her to come over*

Katwise: Must be what? Fuudo?

Fuudo: I'll be back, Kat. . .Stay there. *walks over to the small table that Strider is sitting calmly at, and sits beside him* What is it you want?

Strider: Oh, nothing. . .But I suggest you stop your stupid friend over there, or else she will cause something pretty big.

Fuudo: Wha. . .what?! *glimpses over to Mippin and hears her talking about stuff she is stupid enough to blurt out* Mippin! *runs over and tugs on her arm*

Mippin: Ah! Fuudo Bag--

Fuudo: *grabs hold of Mippin's mouth and screeches* Quiet you! *realizes all the men in the Prancing Pony are looking at her and laughs stupidly.*

Mippin: *retarded babble*

Fuudo: *laughing nervously, loosens her grip on Mippin and mumbles* Mippin, you dumb shit! I'm not a Baggins outside of Bree. . .use your mouth to eat, not talk!

Mippin: *tears up*

Fuudo: *scorns and slaps Mippin* No crying! Only I may! Why, you seem to bug us all---*a parrot's squak is heard from the window and Fuudo refrains from bitching Mippin out* What in the name of Ronzoni is going on? *walking suspiciously over to window sill, awkward silence* I have a feeling I know who it is. . .

Fuudo: *latches on quickly to whats behind the window*

Mippin: so, like I was saying about Fuudo Baggins. . .

Fuudo: MIPPIN! *turns to but is caught between the sil, tangled and falls. Suspensefully, the container of the might One Ragu. . .yes, the ONE SAUCE to rule them all, flies slowly into the air. At this moment, the enigma driven Strider leans forward in shock, torn between Mippin's stupidity and Fuudo's stupidity. Butterbur is in the back storage room whacking the weed, Leeny is outside smelling marketplace cheese, Bill Ferny from the infamous ChooChoo Train house is sitting watching and knowing he'll have some rumours to spread, and miles away the Nazgul Mafia are slapping each other and pointing their guns like John Travolta out of Pulp Fiction fighting over the last slice of pepperoni pizza. Dramatically, the one sauce's container top flies off, a spoonful of sauce segregates from the massive flying red sea, and finds a new home in Fuudo's mouth. The rest of the sauce, miracously, falls into the container and the top seals tightly on. No one cares, though, as everone gives a gasp as they witness Fuudo disappear, and the Nazgul Mafia quit their bullshitting over a pizza pie and dash like a nasty ho moments away from the climax to the Prancing Pony.

Strider: When she becomes visible again, I am sooo going to fuck her up.

Fuudo: AHH! I AM IN AN ENDLESS ABYSS, and it has an Italian's smell to it. *turns to see blazing pot* Wow. . .smells. . .good. . .*reaches for it*

OH MY GOD ITS SAURON: *slaps Fuudo with a wooden spoon* no double dipping!

Fuudo: I haven't even dipped once yet! *tears up* Does that mean I get to?

Sauron: Um. . .I guess. Only once though! And let me warn you, it's evil!

Fuudo: *tears up* You're just a giant eye with a spoon!

Sauron: WELL, "EYE" SEE YOU!

Fuudo: *frightenedness, hacks up sauce and slowly regains sense of the real world

Strider: *grabs hold of Fuudo* You really fuck things up, you know?

Fuudo: *cries as she is brought to Strider's room* Please don't touch me! I'm saving myself! I'm still a young girl!

Strider: *shoving Fuudo into room* I prefer boy hobbits, anyway! And puffy-lipped elves!

Fuudo: Then what do you want of me?!

Strider: Nothing a hobbit could ever bear. Are you frightened?

Fuudo: Yes. . .

Strider: Me too.

so. . .how badly did it suck? Expect the fifth one by like. . .tonight :D

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