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<3 gwen xoxo
--Lord of the Ragu, Part Five
Strider: I know what hunts you...
Fuudo: You know about whats been chasing us?
Strider: That's what I just said. Listen, you fuck.
Fuudo: Then why do they keep sniffing!!
Strider: Are you that dumb?
Fuudo: *tears up*
Strider: I should have been warned about this shit...I may be a ranger but the other half of me has a love for luscious women who enjoy music such as Lutha. I've gots to get my big big money, you know?
Fuudo: *sniffles* Thats awful! Tell me why they keep sniffing!
Strider: Ugh...because they smell the delicious one sauce.
Fuudo: How do you know about---
Katwise: Let 'em go you big oaf or I'll dry hump you! *shakes fist along with Leeny and Mippin*
Strider: You have a stout heart, little flamboyant hobbit...But it will not help you in the long run. Especially against me, Strider, the delicious ranger! *teeth sparkle*
Leeny: No way - you're on the Rangers?!
Mippin: *stares in awe*
Katwise: They're awesome! I had season tickets before we went on this whole quest thing for the Ragu...
Katwise: Oops...I forgot about not mentioning the one sauce in your possession thing...
Fuudo: No, I mean...you had season passes? *tears up* And we didn't get to use them? It must have costed you a fortune...!
Katwise: Oh, Ms Fuudo I'm so sorry!! See, I didn't say anything because I was too busy thinking about being able to aid you in any
sexual heroic way possible during this deathly quest...
Fuudo: *sighs* Well, in any case...Strider does know of the one sauce anyway, and why do you, may I question?
Strider: Huh? One sauce...? What one sauce?
Fuudo: But...you just...
Strider: Nah. I'm just kidding. I know, I know. All you need to know now is you must trust me. Gandalf has been unheard or unseen of for some time now and I have just found you now. I need to let you know that you must avoid any contact with the Nazgul mafia.
Leeny: Nazgul mafia?
Strider: Yes. The Nazgul mafia...the undead yet unliving nine who once wore the nine rings that were very unsignificant. They have been searching EVERYWWHEReeee for you! Their godfather, the Witchking, is pissed as shit and I owe him a large sum for...Well, lets just say that your ranger here is 800 down the hole. Either way, you do not want to get involved with the Nazgul mafia...Especially since you have the one sauce that will ultimately lead us into a catastrophic doom enslaving every race and dominioning over all land - tree and hill! I will be your guide - for it is an unsafe way you will prob'ly take, since you all smell and have horrible taste in clothing. Ew ew ew.
Leeny: *sniffs on Strider's dresser*
Strider: *shudders* I think you should all sleep tonight while I keep watching for the Nazgul mafia and admire your small breathing bodies.
All hobbits: *shrugs* Yeah, yeah...alright...
Nazgul Mafia Guy: Heeeeeyyaaaa...I think I'ma smelling it nearby.</b>
Nazgul Mafia Guy 2: Oh wow oh wow! Let's not waste a second! The boss is getting all quiet lately...And I'm sick of all this non-Ragu sauce. I'm ready to ya know, piss-a my gown thinking about that deliciousss sauce...
Nazgul Mafia Guy: *sniffs* Halflings are somewhere in...Bree! *the Nazgul mafia race towards Bree and down the streets where several drunks including Peter Jackson with his shirt half off and lying on the street with carrots drooling off the side of his mouth. The mafia continues on through the streets and breaks through the doors of the Prancing Pony*
Barliman Butterbur: *sitting in the corner, mumbling* Yeah...yeah...WHAT?! *listens to Nazgul Mafia break through the door and come stampeding by..begins to whimper and cry* Oh please do not find me here and please do not kill Nob because I cannot clean this mess by myself...
Nazgul Mafia: *Rip apart beds and screech* DANG! DANG! *pulls out gun and shoots mattress* Where'd those fricken halflings goes?! *screeches louder than Joe Pesci when he wants his bottle*
Fuudo: *sitting up from bed* What're they doing?...
Strider: *counting his wad of cash* Eh, who cares...
THE NEXT DAY. BOO YAH
Barliman: Nob! NOB!
Nob: *mopping up floor in corner* Yes sit?
Barliman: Get these guest their ponies, and uh...make sure you get the crackers in the floor boards.
Nob: *slowly turns and walks towards doors to stable* Fucking perv...
Fuudo: Thank you for accomodating us Mr. Butterbur. But then I have to take that thank you back on account you are a stupid fuck that didn't give me my letter from Gandalf and you served me Gespatcho and told me it was tomato sauce. What the FUCK were you thinking?!
Barliman: Well, I uh...
Nob: Your ponies were killed and shiat so I just stole some from Bill Ferny *wheezes in laughter* That guy is a badass...him and his Choo Choo Train house and all his 14 teenaged kids hanging out in the window.
Strider: That'll tug him down a notch. *Everyone laughs like asian school kids*
A FEW DAYS LATER AFTER THE ADVENTURE OF BILL FERNY AND THE MAGICAL CHOO CHOO TRAIN OF COCO PARI
Strider: This was once the great watch tower of Amon Sul...now it's all broken and beaten from all the wild house parties. Then someone stole the palantir and the owners kids got in huge trouble. It was a long, long time ago. Anyway, let's rest here and hopefully none of you will do something dumb while I go and look around.
Fuudo: *wakes up from a deep sleep consisting of Smurfberry Crunch* What are you guys doing?!
Katwise: We saved some for you, Ms. Fuudo!!
Leeny: It's tomatoes and sausages and rice krispee bacon!!
Fuudo: You idiots! *sniffles* Put it out, put it out! *stomps on fire*
Mippin: There's ashes in my to-mat-oesss!!!
Nazgul Mafia guy: GEEEEEZE-A!
Fuudo: They're here!! Quick, run up through the stairs and we'll wait there! *everyone runs up*
Katwise: *turns frantically. is hoping to protect Fuudo and gain her love. However, suddenly dark tall figures come out from the shadows holding clubs and other FOREGIN OBJECTS OF TORTURE*
Nazgul Mafia Guy: Maan the boss is going to be on the high seat tonight! And we just got it repaired yesterday! We're in good luck, boys! *Nazgul mafia charge towards Leeny and Mippin and push them off*
Katwise: BACK YOU DEVILS! *Charges towards NAzgul Mafia but is pushed aside*
Fuudo: *CRIES* WHat in the hell can I do to protect myself?! *starts to back away*
Nazgul Mafia Guy: WE LIKE TOLDS YA WE WERE GONNA GET YAS IN THE END!
Nazgul Mafia Guy 2: Oh I wonder where that fish did go...a fish a fish...a fishy ooooooooo....
Witchking: Good work boys. I will reward you back at the chambers. But for now, let's gets some ragu! A YUMYUMYUMYUM
Fuudo: *backing away and falls down as Nazgul Mafia corner her with old italian slang* What to do...oh god...I'm so...screwed...and...hungry...! *gulps sauce and disappers in fright*
Fuudo: *lays there and sees blurred versions of all the Nazgul Mafia as they used to be -- there were 8 men in slick suits with gelled hair in an old suburban street wielding chains and car emblems and buckets of fire water ---- and the Witchking...a John Travolta look alike!
Witchking: Yeah...*shifts eyes*..look alike...*tries to grab sauce and Fuudo repels. Witchking then takes out his gun and shoots Fuudo in the breast*
Fuudo: AGHH!!!!!! *hacks up sauce* OH GOD THIS PAIN! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Katwise: Fuudo! My poor Ms. Fuudo!! *runs over and carresses her*
Strider: God dammit! You stinkin guidos! *runs out and shoves fire in their faces* Take some fire you low lifes!
Witchking: Hey you owe us Aragorn!
Strider: *mumbles* Don't do this to me...*throws fire down the Witchking's robe*
Witchking: AHHH MY BEAUTIFUL ABERCROMBIE & FITCH ROBE! *runs away rubbing his burning face*
Strider: *shoves sword back in hilt and runs to Fuudo* What's happened?
Katwise: You've got to help her!!
Strider: Right in the boobage...
Leeny: Tell me about it...
Strider: *lifts up gun off the ground* It seems Fuudo has been shot by a morgul gun...The bullet is lodged deep within her, and she needs help fast or she will turn into a poor, ridiculed, italian stereotype! We have to get her to Rivendell - the last homely home...Elrond's whore house
Katwise: Rivendell...that is four days away! He'll never make it!
Strider: Then hurry it up, lard ass.
--Lord of the Ragu, Part Four
Fuudo: *knocks on gate while its pouring rain*
Gatekeeper: *opens hatchett and looks down* I thought I smelled cabbage...what do you want?
Fuudo: We wish to stay at the Inn. . .our business is our own!
Gatekeeper: *opening door* Alright, alright. . .didn't mean to upset you.
Fuudo: *walking by strangers in Bree in the rain, passes by a very hairy man* Look! Leeny. . .Mippin, Katwise! It's Peter Jackson!
Peter Jackson: *holding pot of honey like Pooh bear* Heyy! It's you. . .that character in that movie of mine. . .
Katwise: Do you remember me?
Peter Jackson: *eating a 'small smackeral' of honey, and getting it on his beard* Yeah, I think so. *peers at Kat* Oh. . .yeah! You're that gay one.
Katwise: You DO remember!
Mippin: *staring at honey* I wanttt some!
Peter Jackson: Get your own honey, you smelly hobbit!
Leeny: Hey now, PJ. . .We're your adaptions of the book, give us some props.
Peter Jackson: Well, I. . .
Leeny: Well, you....YOINK! *grabs honey from PJ's hands and runs*
Peter Jackson: AH! *starts running, as his shirt pulls up and he pushes it back down, and he growls, then eventually trips over his shoelaces* Damn you!
Mippin: *sticks tongue out*
Fuudo: *walks into the Prancing Pony and shakes rain off, then walks up to huge 934905069 foot counter and hops up yelling for service* Hey! Hey...*tears up* Someone help me!
Katwise: I will, Miss Fuudo! *runs over and pulls Fuudo over shoulders*
Fuudo: Thank you, Katwise! *sincerity*
Katwise: No problem! *Grins as she is able to try and look up Fuudo's shirt*
Barliman Butterbur: Hello! *Smelling hands innocently* If you're looking for accommadations, we've got some nice hobbit sized rooms. And your name is?
Fuudo: Getaboutit. We're friends of Gandalf the Grey. . .could you tell him we've arrived?
Fuudo: Yeah, perky breasts, motherly smile. . .he wears a cheap ghetto rag.
Butterbur: Ohh yes. . .Why, I haven't seen him since our last "encounter." Except I have this letter here I'm suppose to forget to give you. I guess I can have Nob get your things and you can go rest in the pub and mess with my common, human Bree folk that will probably scare you more than like you.
Fuudo: . . .Nob?
Butterbur: Nob, get your ass out here!
Nob: *holding mop covered in white stains, and says in a dismayed voice* Yes?
Butterbur: Bring these ho's to there table. . .It seems we've got a sauce-loving group here. Skettiz for all! Also, bring their luggage up to their room, will ya?
Nob: Oooo, skettiz! *laughing stupidly* Come this way, fellow hobbits!
Fuudo: *sitting down and breaking breadsticks, finally notices strange man looking in her direction* Katwise. . .there's a strange fella, sitting in the corner munchiwunching on lomsticks of toast!
Butterbur: *walking by with serving tray* Why, that's Strider son, he's the ranger. He's a dangerous kind. . .not one to meddle with. . .he milks you of all the money you've got. He's quite a macdaddy.
Fuudo: Strider. . .*begins to feel up ragu container in pocket*
Katwise: Where is Leeny and Mippin, anyway?
Fuudo: They must be. . .*quits in middle of sentence, as she realizes Strider is eyeing her, and nodding to his right, signalling her to come over*
Katwise: Must be what? Fuudo?
Fuudo: I'll be back, Kat. . .Stay there. *walks over to the small table that Strider is sitting calmly at, and sits beside him* What is it you want?
Strider: Oh, nothing. . .But I suggest you stop your stupid friend over there, or else she will cause something pretty big.
Fuudo: Wha. . .what?! *glimpses over to Mippin and hears her talking about stuff she is stupid enough to blurt out* Mippin! *runs over and tugs on her arm*
Mippin: Ah! Fuudo Bag--
Fuudo: *grabs hold of Mippin's mouth and screeches* Quiet you! *realizes all the men in the Prancing Pony are looking at her and laughs stupidly.*
Mippin: *retarded babble*
Fuudo: *laughing nervously, loosens her grip on Mippin and mumbles* Mippin, you dumb shit! I'm not a Baggins outside of Bree. . .use your mouth to eat, not talk!
Mippin: *tears up*
Fuudo: *scorns and slaps Mippin* No crying! Only I may! Why, you seem to bug us all---*a parrot's squak is heard from the window and Fuudo refrains from bitching Mippin out* What in the name of Ronzoni is going on? *walking suspiciously over to window sill, awkward silence* I have a feeling I know who it is. . .
Fuudo: *latches on quickly to whats behind the window*
Mippin: so, like I was saying about Fuudo Baggins. . .
Fuudo: MIPPIN! *turns to but is caught between the sil, tangled and falls. Suspensefully, the container of the might One Ragu. . .yes, the ONE SAUCE to rule them all, flies slowly into the air. At this moment, the enigma driven Strider leans forward in shock, torn between Mippin's stupidity and Fuudo's stupidity. Butterbur is in the back storage room whacking the weed, Leeny is outside smelling marketplace cheese, Bill Ferny from the infamous ChooChoo Train house is sitting watching and knowing he'll have some rumours to spread, and miles away the Nazgul Mafia are slapping each other and pointing their guns like John Travolta out of Pulp Fiction fighting over the last slice of pepperoni pizza. Dramatically, the one sauce's container top flies off, a spoonful of sauce segregates from the massive flying red sea, and finds a new home in Fuudo's mouth. The rest of the sauce, miracously, falls into the container and the top seals tightly on. No one cares, though, as everone gives a gasp as they witness Fuudo disappear, and the Nazgul Mafia quit their bullshitting over a pizza pie and dash like a nasty ho moments away from the climax to the Prancing Pony.
Strider: When she becomes visible again, I am sooo going to fuck her up.
Fuudo: AHH! I AM IN AN ENDLESS ABYSS, and it has an Italian's smell to it. *turns to see blazing pot* Wow. . .smells. . .good. . .*reaches for it*
OH MY GOD ITS SAURON: *slaps Fuudo with a wooden spoon* no double dipping!
Fuudo: I haven't even dipped once yet! *tears up* Does that mean I get to?
Sauron: Um. . .I guess. Only once though! And let me warn you, it's evil!
Fuudo: *tears up* You're just a giant eye with a spoon!
Sauron: WELL, "EYE" SEE YOU!
Fuudo: *frightenedness, hacks up sauce and slowly regains sense of the real world
Strider: *grabs hold of Fuudo* You really fuck things up, you know?
Fuudo: *cries as she is brought to Strider's room* Please don't touch me! I'm saving myself! I'm still a young girl!
Strider: *shoving Fuudo into room* I prefer boy hobbits, anyway! And puffy-lipped elves!
Fuudo: Then what do you want of me?!
Strider: Nothing a hobbit could ever bear. Are you frightened?
Fuudo: Yes. . .
Strider: Me too.
so. . .how badly did it suck? Expect the fifth one by like. . .tonight :D
which LOTRagu chapter do you like so far?
which character is your favorite so far?
which LOTRagu (FOTR) character's profile do you like best?
which LOTRagu's (TTT) character profiles do you like best?
which of our shitty running inside joke gags do you enjoy even though you dont understand them?
Please be gentle, as I am quite new to this whole thing...
I've been "flirting" for years with the fantasy genre, tried RPG's here and there, and nothing has sated me. I am hoping to meet new friends on here, and hoping to learn more about fantasy, and maybe get some new ideas for writing. :)
I saw LORD OF THE RINGS recently, and I must say, although the movie dragged in some places for me, I really liked what I saw overall.
I'm looking for something both on lj and off lj for people as myself, but since this is on lj, then I guess I can give this a try.
Thanx for having me...
Favorite Food: anything but Le Uruk-Hai
Favorite Pasttime: puckering Wormtongue's lips, pretending not to warmonger but really does
age: teen motherhood
Favorite Food: pickles and icecream
Favorite Pasttime: pretending to be a man infront of the mirror, Lamaze, Pimp King Aragorn's big noodle, hating Arwen
name: Grima Wormtongue
Favorite Food: Eowyn
Favorite Pasttime: wiping two-ply on his bleeding lips for saruman to use/reading the Rohan Times on the toilet, brainwashing, forgetting to look out windows, whining like a baby to what he wants ("I toooooold you to take the wizard's staff!), touching Theoden's wrinkles
name: Hama (guy who has a bad actor and likes to stalk Theoden)
age: who cares
Favorite Food: Limburger Cheese
Favorite Pasttime: talking as if he is crying or as if he has a stick up his ass, making big deals out of Helm's Deep
name: Gandalf the White
Favorite Food: cookies, lemons
Favorite Pasttime: Collecting Plug-it Ins and putting them on top of his staff, making pimp signs with his hand unnoticeably while riding Shadowfax
age: alive, unlike his son
Favorite Food: Amniotic Fluid
Favorite Pasttime: Delivering babies (like Eowyn's), fake crying/trying to surpass Gimli's fake crying, fake accents (Bilbo hates those), acting as if he isnt scared of Helm's Deep (because he hates Hama), nodding his head in a friendly manner
name: Kathleen Turner peon
age: really ugly
Favorite Food: soup that she couldnt get because she didnt go with her kids to Edoras
Favorite Pasttime: crying like Kathleen Turner in The Virgin Suicides, being drunk like Kathleen Turner, loving Roger Rabbit like Kathleen Turner, playing patty-cake like Kathleen Turner, fighting with Michael Douglas about their home like Kathleen Turner, wearing shades of brown
name: Aragorn's wimpy son
age: he might be like, 4 days old but he looks like 15
Favorite Food: the bloodshed of war
Favorite Pasttime: talking to Aragorn and not knowing its his daddy, talking like a girl, growing hair like a girl, optimistic loser
age: the fragile age of a senior in high school
Favorite Food: musicccccccc and piizzaaaaaaa
Favorite Pasttime: manicures, hair styling, campaigns for being the prom queen, being prom queen, being the most popular girl in school, staying a virgin until her wedding night, slumber parties
Favorite Food: Osgiliath bon-fire roasted marshmellows
Favorite Pasttime: listening to Tiny Tim, being forced to act like his brother, being nagged at by the "OSGILIATH BURNS!" guy, being turned on by crying Frodo, posting his webcam pictures up for lovely single college girls
age: shrivelled up grandma age
Favorite Food: a garden salad with light caeser dressing
Favorite Pasttime: being a kodak baby, singing for Kidz Bop, buying fashion designer loin cloths, talking like an old mexican man, sleeping against adobe houses with his sombrero shading his eyes, using the ring for his kinky bondage
age: oldest fuck in Middle-Earth
Favorite Food: alcohol
Favorite Pasttime: binging, getting strokes and enjoying them, wishing he were dead, writing suicide notes to Quickbeam and the Entmoot, carving death threats in random Ents' barks, getting turned on by pulling root-feet out of side of mountain, making power hits, RELEASING THE RIVAR