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One Sauce to Rule them All

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(Torture Gollum)

I miss Booty. [22 Mar 2013|11:16pm]

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

(Torture Gollum)

LOTR [17 Aug 2004|12:59am]

Join, Create, Submit and, if you're lucky, WIN!

Hey guys! Please come and join the icon challenge community, icon_challenge_! This week’s challenge is LOTR. You may submit up to three icons to be voted on later in the week.

So please join, create, submit and, if you’re lucky, win!

[x-posted everywhere!]

<3 gwen xoxo

(2 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUUs | Torture Gollum)

share the loooad [20 Dec 2003|12:23am]

[ mood | cold ]


--Lord of the Ragu, Part Five

Strider: I know what hunts you...

Fuudo: You know about whats been chasing us?

Strider: That's what I just said. Listen, you fuck.

Fuudo: Then why do they keep sniffing!!

Strider: Are you that dumb?

Fuudo: *tears up*

Strider: I should have been warned about this shit...I may be a ranger but the other half of me has a love for luscious women who enjoy music such as Lutha. I've gots to get my big big money, you know?

Fuudo: *sniffles* Thats awful! Tell me why they keep sniffing!

Strider: Ugh...because they smell the delicious one sauce.

Fuudo: How do you know about---

Katwise: Let 'em go you big oaf or I'll dry hump you! *shakes fist along with Leeny and Mippin*

Strider: You have a stout heart, little flamboyant hobbit...But it will not help you in the long run. Especially against me, Strider, the delicious ranger! *teeth sparkle*

Leeny: No way - you're on the Rangers?!

Mippin: *stares in awe*

Katwise: They're awesome! I had season tickets before we went on this whole quest thing for the Ragu...

Fuudo: Kat!!

Katwise: Oops...I forgot about not mentioning the one sauce in your possession thing...

Fuudo: No, I mean...you had season passes? *tears up* And we didn't get to use them? It must have costed you a fortune...!

Katwise: Oh, Ms Fuudo I'm so sorry!! See, I didn't say anything because I was too busy thinking about being able to aid you in any sexual heroic way possible during this deathly quest...

Fuudo: *sighs* Well, in any case...Strider does know of the one sauce anyway, and why do you, may I question?

Strider: Huh? One sauce...? What one sauce?

Fuudo: But...you just...

Strider: Nah. I'm just kidding. I know, I know. All you need to know now is you must trust me. Gandalf has been unheard or unseen of for some time now and I have just found you now. I need to let you know that you must avoid any contact with the Nazgul mafia.

Leeny: Nazgul mafia?

Strider: Yes. The Nazgul mafia...the undead yet unliving nine who once wore the nine rings that were very unsignificant. They have been searching EVERYWWHEReeee for you! Their godfather, the Witchking, is pissed as shit and I owe him a large sum for...Well, lets just say that your ranger here is 800 down the hole. Either way, you do not want to get involved with the Nazgul mafia...Especially since you have the one sauce that will ultimately lead us into a catastrophic doom enslaving every race and dominioning over all land - tree and hill! I will be your guide - for it is an unsafe way you will prob'ly take, since you all smell and have horrible taste in clothing. Ew ew ew.

Leeny: *sniffs on Strider's dresser*

Strider: *shudders* I think you should all sleep tonight while I keep watching for the Nazgul mafia and admire your small breathing bodies.

All hobbits: *shrugs* Yeah, yeah...alright...

Nazgul Mafia Guy: Heeeeeyyaaaa...I think I'ma smelling it nearby.</b>
Nazgul Mafia Guy 2: Oh wow oh wow! Let's not waste a second! The boss is getting all quiet lately...And I'm sick of all this non-Ragu sauce. I'm ready to ya know, piss-a my gown thinking about that deliciousss sauce...

Nazgul Mafia Guy: *sniffs* Halflings are somewhere in...Bree! *the Nazgul mafia race towards Bree and down the streets where several drunks including Peter Jackson with his shirt half off and lying on the street with carrots drooling off the side of his mouth. The mafia continues on through the streets and breaks through the doors of the Prancing Pony*

Barliman Butterbur: *sitting in the corner, mumbling* Yeah...yeah...WHAT?! *listens to Nazgul Mafia break through the door and come stampeding by..begins to whimper and cry* Oh please do not find me here and please do not kill Nob because I cannot clean this mess by myself...

Nazgul Mafia: *Rip apart beds and screech* DANG! DANG! *pulls out gun and shoots mattress* Where'd those fricken halflings goes?! *screeches louder than Joe Pesci when he wants his bottle*

Fuudo: *sitting up from bed* What're they doing?...

Strider: *counting his wad of cash* Eh, who cares...


Barliman: Nob! NOB!

Nob: *mopping up floor in corner* Yes sit?

Barliman: Get these guest their ponies, and uh...make sure you get the crackers in the floor boards.

Nob: *slowly turns and walks towards doors to stable* Fucking perv...

Fuudo: Thank you for accomodating us Mr. Butterbur. But then I have to take that thank you back on account you are a stupid fuck that didn't give me my letter from Gandalf and you served me Gespatcho and told me it was tomato sauce. What the FUCK were you thinking?!

Barliman: Well, I uh...

Nob: Your ponies were killed and shiat so I just stole some from Bill Ferny *wheezes in laughter* That guy is a badass...him and his Choo Choo Train house and all his 14 teenaged kids hanging out in the window.

Strider: That'll tug him down a notch. *Everyone laughs like asian school kids*


Strider: This was once the great watch tower of Amon Sul...now it's all broken and beaten from all the wild house parties. Then someone stole the palantir and the owners kids got in huge trouble. It was a long, long time ago. Anyway, let's rest here and hopefully none of you will do something dumb while I go and look around.

Fuudo: Ohkay.

Fuudo: *wakes up from a deep sleep consisting of Smurfberry Crunch* What are you guys doing?!

Katwise: We saved some for you, Ms. Fuudo!!

Leeny: It's tomatoes and sausages and rice krispee bacon!!

Fuudo: You idiots! *sniffles* Put it out, put it out! *stomps on fire*

Mippin: There's ashes in my to-mat-oesss!!!
Nazgul Mafia guy: GEEEEEZE-A!

Fuudo: They're here!! Quick, run up through the stairs and we'll wait there! *everyone runs up*

Katwise: *turns frantically. is hoping to protect Fuudo and gain her love. However, suddenly dark tall figures come out from the shadows holding clubs and other FOREGIN OBJECTS OF TORTURE*

Nazgul Mafia Guy: Maan the boss is going to be on the high seat tonight! And we just got it repaired yesterday! We're in good luck, boys! *Nazgul mafia charge towards Leeny and Mippin and push them off*

Katwise: BACK YOU DEVILS! *Charges towards NAzgul Mafia but is pushed aside*

Fuudo: *CRIES* WHat in the hell can I do to protect myself?! *starts to back away*


Nazgul Mafia Guy 2: Oh I wonder where that fish did go...a fish a fish...a fishy ooooooooo....

Witchking: Good work boys. I will reward you back at the chambers. But for now, let's gets some ragu! A YUMYUMYUMYUM

Fuudo: *backing away and falls down as Nazgul Mafia corner her with old italian slang* What to do...oh god...I'm so...screwed...and...hungry...! *gulps sauce and disappers in fright*

Fuudo: *lays there and sees blurred versions of all the Nazgul Mafia as they used to be -- there were 8 men in slick suits with gelled hair in an old suburban street wielding chains and car emblems and buckets of fire water ---- and the Witchking...a John Travolta look alike!

Witchking: Yeah...*shifts eyes*..look alike...*tries to grab sauce and Fuudo repels. Witchking then takes out his gun and shoots Fuudo in the breast*

Katwise: Fuudo! My poor Ms. Fuudo!! *runs over and carresses her*

Strider: God dammit! You stinkin guidos! *runs out and shoves fire in their faces* Take some fire you low lifes!

Witchking: Hey you owe us Aragorn!

Strider: *mumbles* Don't do this to me...*throws fire down the Witchking's robe*

Witchking: AHHH MY BEAUTIFUL ABERCROMBIE & FITCH ROBE! *runs away rubbing his burning face*

Strider: *shoves sword back in hilt and runs to Fuudo* What's happened?

Katwise: You've got to help her!!

Strider: Right in the boobage...

Leeny: Tell me about it...

Strider: *lifts up gun off the ground* It seems Fuudo has been shot by a morgul gun...The bullet is lodged deep within her, and she needs help fast or she will turn into a poor, ridiculed, italian stereotype! We have to get her to Rivendell - the last homely home...Elrond's whore house

Katwise: Rivendell...that is four days away! He'll never make it!

Strider: Then hurry it up, lard ass.

(Torture Gollum)

[22 Nov 2003|09:49am]

[ mood | weird ]

HEY I think I'm going to do the next chapter today, ohkay?! IT WILL BE HERE SOON MY BABIES

(2 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUUs | Torture Gollum)

*Enters the story* [12 Sep 2003|05:35pm]

[ mood | curious ]

This place is great. What happened to it?

(2 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUUs | Torture Gollum)

Critics call it, "The shittiest LOTRagu chapter yet!" [24 Mar 2003|05:34pm]

[ mood | cheerful ]


--Lord of the Ragu, Part Four

Fuudo: *knocks on gate while its pouring rain*

Gatekeeper: *opens hatchett and looks down* I thought I smelled cabbage...what do you want?

Fuudo: We wish to stay at the Inn. . .our business is our own!

Gatekeeper: *opening door* Alright, alright. . .didn't mean to upset you.

Fuudo: *walking by strangers in Bree in the rain, passes by a very hairy man* Look! Leeny. . .Mippin, Katwise! It's Peter Jackson!

Peter Jackson: *holding pot of honey like Pooh bear* Heyy! It's you. . .that character in that movie of mine. . .

Katwise: Do you remember me?
Peter Jackson: *eating a 'small smackeral' of honey, and getting it on his beard* Yeah, I think so. *peers at Kat* Oh. . .yeah! You're that gay one.

Katwise: You DO remember!

Mippin: *staring at honey* I wanttt some!

Peter Jackson: Get your own honey, you smelly hobbit!

Leeny: Hey now, PJ. . .We're your adaptions of the book, give us some props.

Peter Jackson: Well, I. . .

Leeny: Well, you....YOINK! *grabs honey from PJ's hands and runs*

Peter Jackson: AH! *starts running, as his shirt pulls up and he pushes it back down, and he growls, then eventually trips over his shoelaces* Damn you!

Mippin: *sticks tongue out*

Fuudo: *walks into the Prancing Pony and shakes rain off, then walks up to huge 934905069 foot counter and hops up yelling for service* Hey! Hey...*tears up* Someone help me!

Katwise: I will, Miss Fuudo! *runs over and pulls Fuudo over shoulders*

Fuudo: Thank you, Katwise! *sincerity*

Katwise: No problem! *Grins as she is able to try and look up Fuudo's shirt*

Barliman Butterbur: Hello! *Smelling hands innocently* If you're looking for accommadations, we've got some nice hobbit sized rooms. And your name is?

Fuudo: Getaboutit. We're friends of Gandalf the Grey. . .could you tell him we've arrived?

Butterbur: Gandalf?

Fuudo: Yeah, perky breasts, motherly smile. . .he wears a cheap ghetto rag.

Butterbur: Ohh yes. . .Why, I haven't seen him since our last "encounter." Except I have this letter here I'm suppose to forget to give you. I guess I can have Nob get your things and you can go rest in the pub and mess with my common, human Bree folk that will probably scare you more than like you.

Fuudo: . . .Nob?

Butterbur: Nob, get your ass out here!
Nob: *holding mop covered in white stains, and says in a dismayed voice* Yes?

Butterbur: Bring these ho's to there table. . .It seems we've got a sauce-loving group here. Skettiz for all! Also, bring their luggage up to their room, will ya?

Nob: Oooo, skettiz! *laughing stupidly* Come this way, fellow hobbits!

Fuudo: *sitting down and breaking breadsticks, finally notices strange man looking in her direction* Katwise. . .there's a strange fella, sitting in the corner munchiwunching on lomsticks of toast!

Butterbur: *walking by with serving tray* Why, that's Strider son, he's the ranger. He's a dangerous kind. . .not one to meddle with. . .he milks you of all the money you've got. He's quite a macdaddy.

Fuudo: Strider. . .*begins to feel up ragu container in pocket*

Katwise: Where is Leeny and Mippin, anyway?

Fuudo: They must be. . .*quits in middle of sentence, as she realizes Strider is eyeing her, and nodding to his right, signalling her to come over*

Katwise: Must be what? Fuudo?

Fuudo: I'll be back, Kat. . .Stay there. *walks over to the small table that Strider is sitting calmly at, and sits beside him* What is it you want?

Strider: Oh, nothing. . .But I suggest you stop your stupid friend over there, or else she will cause something pretty big.

Fuudo: Wha. . .what?! *glimpses over to Mippin and hears her talking about stuff she is stupid enough to blurt out* Mippin! *runs over and tugs on her arm*

Mippin: Ah! Fuudo Bag--

Fuudo: *grabs hold of Mippin's mouth and screeches* Quiet you! *realizes all the men in the Prancing Pony are looking at her and laughs stupidly.*

Mippin: *retarded babble*

Fuudo: *laughing nervously, loosens her grip on Mippin and mumbles* Mippin, you dumb shit! I'm not a Baggins outside of Bree. . .use your mouth to eat, not talk!

Mippin: *tears up*

Fuudo: *scorns and slaps Mippin* No crying! Only I may! Why, you seem to bug us all---*a parrot's squak is heard from the window and Fuudo refrains from bitching Mippin out* What in the name of Ronzoni is going on? *walking suspiciously over to window sill, awkward silence* I have a feeling I know who it is. . .

Fuudo: *latches on quickly to whats behind the window*

Mippin: so, like I was saying about Fuudo Baggins. . .

Fuudo: MIPPIN! *turns to but is caught between the sil, tangled and falls. Suspensefully, the container of the might One Ragu. . .yes, the ONE SAUCE to rule them all, flies slowly into the air. At this moment, the enigma driven Strider leans forward in shock, torn between Mippin's stupidity and Fuudo's stupidity. Butterbur is in the back storage room whacking the weed, Leeny is outside smelling marketplace cheese, Bill Ferny from the infamous ChooChoo Train house is sitting watching and knowing he'll have some rumours to spread, and miles away the Nazgul Mafia are slapping each other and pointing their guns like John Travolta out of Pulp Fiction fighting over the last slice of pepperoni pizza. Dramatically, the one sauce's container top flies off, a spoonful of sauce segregates from the massive flying red sea, and finds a new home in Fuudo's mouth. The rest of the sauce, miracously, falls into the container and the top seals tightly on. No one cares, though, as everone gives a gasp as they witness Fuudo disappear, and the Nazgul Mafia quit their bullshitting over a pizza pie and dash like a nasty ho moments away from the climax to the Prancing Pony.

Strider: When she becomes visible again, I am sooo going to fuck her up.

Fuudo: AHH! I AM IN AN ENDLESS ABYSS, and it has an Italian's smell to it. *turns to see blazing pot* Wow. . .smells. . .good. . .*reaches for it*

OH MY GOD ITS SAURON: *slaps Fuudo with a wooden spoon* no double dipping!

Fuudo: I haven't even dipped once yet! *tears up* Does that mean I get to?

Sauron: Um. . .I guess. Only once though! And let me warn you, it's evil!

Fuudo: *tears up* You're just a giant eye with a spoon!

Sauron: WELL, "EYE" SEE YOU!

Fuudo: *frightenedness, hacks up sauce and slowly regains sense of the real world

Strider: *grabs hold of Fuudo* You really fuck things up, you know?

Fuudo: *cries as she is brought to Strider's room* Please don't touch me! I'm saving myself! I'm still a young girl!

Strider: *shoving Fuudo into room* I prefer boy hobbits, anyway! And puffy-lipped elves!

Fuudo: Then what do you want of me?!

Strider: Nothing a hobbit could ever bear. Are you frightened?

Fuudo: Yes. . .

Strider: Me too.

so. . .how badly did it suck? Expect the fifth one by like. . .tonight :D

(2 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUUs | Torture Gollum)


[ mood | accomplished ]

which LOTRagu chapter do you like so far?


which character is your favorite so far?

Joey Bombadil

which LOTRagu (FOTR) character's profile do you like best?

Pimp King Aragorn
Arwen Kevin Kelly
Barliman Butterbur
Nazgul Mafia

which LOTRagu's (TTT) character profiles do you like best?

Aragorn's wimpy son
Kathleen turner bitch
Gandalf the white
also Balrogmir because i couldnt fit him on the previous question

which of our shitty running inside joke gags do you enjoy even though you dont understand them?

breast milk from gandalf
breakdancing gandalf/wizards
gimli being a pierat
mozzarella stick forged anew
gimli's fake crying
saruman the singing pizza man
gimli being genderless
the One Sauce
everything that is Lord of the Ragu

(10 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUUs | Torture Gollum)

[14 Mar 2003|03:36pm]

[ mood | content ]


LOTRagu chapter....i lost countCollapse )

(2 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUUs | Torture Gollum)

*~~newbie~*~ [04 Mar 2003|09:00am]

[ mood | curious ]

I was given this group name by dyinghappy</a>. Thank you, so very, very much!! :)

Please be gentle, as I am quite new to this whole thing...

I've been "flirting" for years with the fantasy genre, tried RPG's here and there, and nothing has sated me. I am hoping to meet new friends on here, and hoping to learn more about fantasy, and maybe get some new ideas for writing. :)

I saw LORD OF THE RINGS recently, and I must say, although the movie dragged in some places for me, I really liked what I saw overall.

I'm looking for something both on lj and off lj for people as myself, but since this is on lj, then I guess I can give this a try.

Thanx for having me...

(6 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUUs | Torture Gollum)

this day will live in infamy [22 Jan 2003|09:00pm]

[ mood | creative ]

holy shit. . .LOTRagu has updated, with profiles about the Two Towers characters! AHH!

name: Eomer
Favorite Food: anything but Le Uruk-Hai
Favorite Pasttime: puckering Wormtongue's lips, pretending not to warmonger but really does

name: Eowyn
age: teen motherhood
Favorite Food: pickles and icecream
Favorite Pasttime: pretending to be a man infront of the mirror, Lamaze, Pimp King Aragorn's big noodle, hating Arwen

name: Grima Wormtongue
age: eyebrow-less
Favorite Food: Eowyn
Favorite Pasttime: wiping two-ply on his bleeding lips for saruman to use/reading the Rohan Times on the toilet, brainwashing, forgetting to look out windows, whining like a baby to what he wants ("I toooooold you to take the wizard's staff!), touching Theoden's wrinkles

name: Hama (guy who has a bad actor and likes to stalk Theoden)
age: who cares
Favorite Food: Limburger Cheese
Favorite Pasttime: talking as if he is crying or as if he has a stick up his ass, making big deals out of Helm's Deep

name: Gandalf the White
age: 1
Favorite Food: cookies, lemons
Favorite Pasttime: Collecting Plug-it Ins and putting them on top of his staff, making pimp signs with his hand unnoticeably while riding Shadowfax

name: Theoden
age: alive, unlike his son
Favorite Food: Amniotic Fluid
Favorite Pasttime: Delivering babies (like Eowyn's), fake crying/trying to surpass Gimli's fake crying, fake accents (Bilbo hates those), acting as if he isnt scared of Helm's Deep (because he hates Hama), nodding his head in a friendly manner

name: Kathleen Turner peon
age: really ugly
Favorite Food: soup that she couldnt get because she didnt go with her kids to Edoras
Favorite Pasttime: crying like Kathleen Turner in The Virgin Suicides, being drunk like Kathleen Turner, loving Roger Rabbit like Kathleen Turner, playing patty-cake like Kathleen Turner, fighting with Michael Douglas about their home like Kathleen Turner, wearing shades of brown

name: Aragorn's wimpy son
age: he might be like, 4 days old but he looks like 15
Favorite Food: the bloodshed of war
Favorite Pasttime: talking to Aragorn and not knowing its his daddy, talking like a girl, growing hair like a girl, optimistic loser

name: Haldir
age: the fragile age of a senior in high school
Favorite Food: musicccccccc and piizzaaaaaaa
Favorite Pasttime: manicures, hair styling, campaigns for being the prom queen, being prom queen, being the most popular girl in school, staying a virgin until her wedding night, slumber parties

name: Faramir
age: bachelor
Favorite Food: Osgiliath bon-fire roasted marshmellows
Favorite Pasttime: listening to Tiny Tim, being forced to act like his brother, being nagged at by the "OSGILIATH BURNS!" guy, being turned on by crying Frodo, posting his webcam pictures up for lovely single college girls

name: Gollum/Smeagol
age: shrivelled up grandma age
Favorite Food: a garden salad with light caeser dressing
Favorite Pasttime: being a kodak baby, singing for Kidz Bop, buying fashion designer loin cloths, talking like an old mexican man, sleeping against adobe houses with his sombrero shading his eyes, using the ring for his kinky bondage

name: Treebeard
age: oldest fuck in Middle-Earth
Favorite Food: alcohol
Favorite Pasttime: binging, getting strokes and enjoying them, wishing he were dead, writing suicide notes to Quickbeam and the Entmoot, carving death threats in random Ents' barks, getting turned on by pulling root-feet out of side of mountain, making power hits, RELEASING THE RIVAR

(1 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUU | Torture Gollum)

[11 Jan 2003|04:05pm]

wow this has gotta be the best community ive ever seen. lord of the ragu. you are all genius.

(Torture Gollum)

[13 Jun 2002|01:08pm]

nobody's posted here in a while, so i thought i'd make this entry to keep the account from being cancelled. hopefully activity will pick up as TTT nears.

(3 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUUs | Torture Gollum)

[30 Apr 2002|08:26pm]

there should be eggrolls somewhere in the story, its not a story without eggrolls

(Torture Gollum)

this one is gay. BUT BREAKDANCING SCENE WHOO [29 Apr 2002|05:49pm]

[ mood | accomplished ]

yay, didn't take so long on this one.

--Lord of the Ragu, Part Three

Katwise: This is it.

Fuudo: *turning to Kat* This is what?

Katwise: If I take one more step. . .It'll be the farthest away from my Gaffer's cooking that'll I'll ever be.

Fuudo: Thank god, it's not very tempting. *walks to Kat's side and puts a hand on her shoulder* Come on, Kat. Remember what old Bilbo use to say. . ."It's a dangerous business, Fuudo, going out your door. You take one smell, and there's no knowing where you might go out to dinner."

Katwise: *blushing as Fuudo touches her*

Fuudo: Maybe we should stop to eat now. . .

Gandalf: *riding towards Isengard. . .very fast.*

Saruman: Smoke rises from the bubbling pot of Mt. Doom and Gandalf the Grey comes to Isengard. . .seeking my counsel. Is that not why you are here, old friend?

Gandalf: *kneeling down* Saruman. . .

Gandalf: So the ragu was right under my very nose the whole time. . .!

Saruman: Being the mother a halfling has clearly slowed your mind! You surprise me Gandalf, being as old and wise as you are, still cannot notice such a wonderful sauce under the wing of a hobbit.

Gandalf: But we have time. Time enough to encounter Sauron and act quickly.

Saruman: The forces of Sauron have been growing quietly to the east, and has already unleashed many of his armies.

Gandalf: And how do you know this?

Saruman: I have seen it.

Gandalf: *walking nervously towards pedastal* An non-italian meatball is a dangerous tool, Saruman. All 7 of them haven't been accounted for. *draws blanket over meatball, but feels a strange sense*

Saruman: *sitting down on chair* Sauron's mafia has already left Barad-dur, and are coming here, they will find the ragu, and kill the one that carries it.

Gandalf: *shocked ness, serious music* Fuudo. . .*tries to leave doors but each shut*

Saruman: You did not think a hobbit could resist the will of Sauron, now did you? We must join with Sauron Gandalf, it would be wise my friend. . .

Gandalf: Tell me, friend, when did Saruman the white reason for madness?

Saruman: ARR! *throws staff and claps, funky music begins playing* We'll reason, alright! *drops to floor and breakdances*

Gandalf: Not bad, not bad; check this out. *gets down and breakdancings, spins on head*

Saruman: Spicy moves, but can you handle this? *flops on ground like fish, then stands up and does waves with arms, then continues to drop down and look like he's having a seizure*

Gandalf: *mumbling to self* He's one bad motha. . .

Saruman: *claps again, revealing three orc judges at a panel* We'll settle this, Gandalf the Gay. . .oops, I mean, Grey. . .

Gandalf: *narrows eyes* Alright, Crapman the Stupid. . .oops, I mean, Saruman the White. . .*grins and jumps on floor and spins until he's tilting in the air, jumps back up*

Orc Judge 1: *holds up a 6*

Orc Judge 2: *holds up an 8*

Orc Judge 3: *holds up a 10*

Gandalf: Whoo *raises arms to sky* Go Gandalf, Go Gandalf!

Saruman: We're not in first grade anymore, Gandy. I'll show you some mad skills. *stretches arms and wobbles head; jumps to ground and spins on hands, jumping legs and clapping, then jumps to feet and up and does that repeatedly, ending with a curtsey.*

Orc Judge 1: *holds up a 7*

Orc Judge 2: *holds up an 10*

Orc Judge 3: *holds up a 10*

Gandalf: NOOOOOOOO *faces melts*

Saruman: Game over, bitch. *sends Gandalf flying up to roof, meeting a deathly climax*

Katwise: Fuudo. . .? Fuudo!? Fuudo! *sees Fuudo come up opposite way* I thought I had lost you. . .

Fuudo: What do you mean, Kat?

Katwise: It's just something Gandalf said. . .

Fuudo: What'd he say?

Kat: Don't you leave 'er, Katwise Gamgee. . .and I don't mean to--*falls over as someone runs into her from the crop*

Mippin: *opens eyes widely* Fuudo...Hey Leeny, Look! It's Fuudo Baggins!

Leeny: 'eyyy Fuudo!

Katwise: You've been into Farmer Faggot's crop! *everyone turns to see raging homo with scythe and dogs barking*

Leeny: *shoves crops into Katwise's arms and runs; Mippin and Fuudo follow*

Katwise: HEYYY WAIT. . .*throws crops and runs*

Leeny: Will Farmer Fag ever stop bitching?!

Mippin: Well he's all pissy cause we took a bunch of his meatballs, and the bags of pasta the week before and--

Leeny: Yeah, the point is he's clearly overreacting! *runs up to little ledge, gets bumped off and falls*

Katwise: *landing on Fuudo* This is one of the most happiest days of my life. *cries*

Fuudo: *eyes water up from being scared*

Katwise: Trust a Brandybuck and Took. . .

Leeny: It was just a detour, a shortcut. . .!

Katwise: Shortcut to what?!


Katwise: *punches Mippin in the face and bites Leeny in the ankle as they try to get up and runs over to the shrooms*

Mippin: gimmegimmegimme! *shoves face in patch*

Leeny: *slaps Mippin* Augustas hunny, save some room for later. . .

Fuudo: *walking around, looking* I think we should get off the road. . .*listens more carefully, gets scared* Get off the road!

Leeny: *runs with carrots under pits and all four hide under tree, hooves are heard*

Nazgul Mafia Guy: *comes riding by on dark horse, John Travolta voice* Geeze-a. *stops to smell air, leans down towards tree and looks around*

Fuudo: *watching bugs crawl out, reaches out for sauce, wanting to eat it and disappear*

Nazgul Mafia Guy: *sniffs harder*

Katwise: *tugs on Fuudo's arms lovingly*

Fuudo: *shudders and puts the ragu back in her pocket*

Leeny: *throws a meatball the opposite way, causing the Nazgul Mafia Guy to run away furiously*

Katwise: *picks Fuudo up and rans, following Mip and Leeny*

Leeny: *lands on grass* What the fuck was that?

Fuudo: *pulls Ragu out and looks seriously at it, begins to cry*

Voice in air: Little hobbit, why so glum? *shows self in light*

Mippin: IS THAT. . .?

Leeny: It is!

Joey Bombadil: *prances like a fruit* Err, it is!

Fuudo: Err the movie.

Joey Bombadil: errr!

Fuudo: eerrrrrr!


Mippin: I'm hungry.

Joey Bombadil: Ho, little hobbits! Joey Bombadil will bring you to where food and drink may be served, and Lindsberry awaits!

Fuudo: Right. Ok. *follows, others follow*

Joey Bombadil: *sitting at head of golden table, pushes broccoli off plate*

Katwise: Such a beautiful home, and such a fair maiden Lindsberry is.

Fuudo: Yes. . .*pauses and sees Katwise giving a jealous glare* Yes, hum. . .good food. . .

Katwise: *glee*

Leeny: *takes a chunk of cheese and smells it*
Lindsberry: Tiny men, hobbits, halflings, midgets, whateva cracka, We advise you don't go straight to Rivendell. For more rest and more adventure, head towards Bree, the Inn of the Prancing Pony, and there you will find further more intructions.

Joey Bombadil: But first, you must run the fields naked, little ones!

Katwise: *shoots HUGE grin towards Fuudo*

Fuudo: *blushing, nervous laugh*

Leeny: Ohhh, yes! *places hand to collar, ready for next instruction*

Mippin: I'm too young, ahh! *turns red* But if you ins--

Fuudo: You know what? I think I hear someone calling us. . .*mumbles under breathe* Fuuudo, oh Fuuudoooo. . .See? Uh, *runs out door, others follow*

Joey Bombadil: Nooo little hobbits! *comes chasing after with an egg beater, but is too slow and stops*

Lindsberry: *comes slowly out* Damn, we'll never have that many in a house at the same time ever again!

Joey Bombadil: It's not my fault. They're scared of you.

Lindsberry: Shut up, at least I didn't bitch about myself until my self went out with me and I just wanted to stay friends! *walks back inside*

Joey Bombadil: What a whore.

Fuudo: *running in night secretly behind trees*

Mippin: What the monkey is going on?

Leeny: That Mafia man was after someone. . .or something. . .Fuudo?

Fuudo: Kat and I must get to Bree, cause um, yes.

Leeny: Right. . .right, Buckleberry Ferry, follow me! *runs and farts repeatedly*

Fuudo: AHHH THE STENCH. . .I'M DYING. *slows down and Nazgul comes running out*


Katwise: *unlatches ferry, screams* Fuudo!

Nazgul Mafia Guy: Delicioussssss SAUCEeeeee. . .
Fuudo: *begins to cry, heads toward ferry*

Mippin: Fuuuuuuuudo!

Fuudo: *jumps onto boat, barely making it*

Nazgul Mafia Guy: Geeze-a! We'll get you halflings, we always get you in the end!

(Torture Gollum)

chapter two [05 Apr 2002|10:53pm]

[ mood | tired ]

man, sorry for taking so fuggin long.

--Lord of The Ragu, Part Two

Bilbo: *invisible, laughs evily until he trips on a rock and flies through his front door, becoming visible again* Fuck. Ah well, better leave before that...

Gandalf: I suppose you think that was terribly clever!

Bilbo: Not really...but...well, if you say it is.

Gandalf: Well it isn't!

Bilbo: Make up your mind, you stupid old guy!

Gandalf: *whines* No!

Bilbo: Fine then! I'll be off then, because I'm sick of Bag End and Fuudo. And now you're getting on my very nerves. I'm leaving everything to her, though. *grabs a stick and walks to the table* You will keep an eye on Fuudo though, won't you?

Gandalf: Most likely not. Because I'll be off for 17 years learning the history of the Ragu, and she'll have to fend for herself.

Bilbo: Bah, you're no fun.

Gandalf: Yes, well...what about this sauce of yours? Is that staying with Fuudo as well?

Bilbo: Yes, yes, I said everything! Clean out your ears, you git.

Gandalf: *pulls long wax from ears* Mm, yes. Well, give me the sauce.

Bilbo: *pulls small container out from pocket and stares at it with hesitance* Such precious sauce...I cannot give it up...

Gandalf: Hurry it up, I'm old as it is! My milk gets sour, you know.

Bilbo: I cannot part with it though...it's my only...my *eyes glow* tassstyyyy...

Gandalf: Tasty! It's been called that before, but not by you!

Bilbo: OH what business is it of yours what I do with my own food!

Gandalf: I think you've had that sauce long enough!

Bilbo: *furiated* You...you want to dine on it all by yourself!

Gandalf: BILBO BAGGINS...*suddenly looks taller and...madder* Do not take me for some culuniary chef who copies your ideas. I am not trying to steal your recipe! *calms down* I'm trying to taste it...

Bilbo: *shocked, and begins to tremble* G-Ga-Gandalf...*runs up to him quickly and hugs him*

Gandalf: *begins to breast feed him, smiles motherly* All these long years I've known you, I've been there to supply you with the nourishment of a mothers milk and...

Bilbo: *stops drinking for a second* ...Um, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Oh, right, right.

Bilbo: *nods and begins to ...drink from Gandalf again*

Gandalf: Right then, shouldn't you be off? Fuudo could come in any second now.

Bilbo: *not wanting to draw away from, um, Gandalf's breast*

Gandalf: *getting irritated, and begings to push Bilbo away*

Bilbo: *clung on tightly* mmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo *begins to make noise like Prince John in Robin Hood (yes, the Disney one) when he's sucking his thumb*

Gandalf: *pries Bilbo off with his staff and rubs his chest* Ugh, so sore. Well, at least this is how we part, my dear Bilbo.

Bilbo: Damn straight. Let's get high before I leave though. I can't walk to Rivendell without hallucinating. I have to leave this whore house in style. Ya know?

Gandalf: Good idea--

Fuudo: Bilbo, Bilbo! *comes running towards door*

Gandalf: Quick, hide!

Bilbo: *dancing like a lunatic* But where? But where!

Gandalf: *picks up Bilbo and shoves him up the fireplace* Stay there, or try to climb up, or something!

Fuudo: *runs in* Bilbo..Bi---Gandalf! Where is Bilbo?

Gandalf: He's gone to stay with the Elves. He's left you all of Bag End. *pats Fuudo on the shoulder* Along with all of his possesions. Even the Ragu...Oh fuck. Where is it? Great, Bilbo's fucked up again. *walks over to fireplace and reaches up* Bilbo, give me the Ragu, now.

Bilbo: Damnit, Gandalf, why'd you have to talk to me now? You could have just asked me after Fuudo left, or something!

Gandalf: Yes, well...I never thought of that...

Bilbo: So, our wizard isn't so smart after all! The truth has been colored in, and now...

Gandalf: OH shut up, will you! *starts shoving staff up chimney*

Katwise: *comes running in* Fuudo...oh sweet Fuudo...!

Fuudo: Katwise!

Katwise: *comes running in, tackling Fuudo and trying to kiss her* I thought I had lost you!

Fuudo: What do you mean?

Katwise: Well, it's just something Gandalf said...

Fuudo: Wait, wait. Don't even go there. That doesn't happen until we've left for Rivendell.

Gandalf: *turns around from trying to get Bilbo out of the chimney* No, no. You need to go to Bree! At the Inn of The Prancing Pony!

Fuudo: But...

Gandalf: Do as I say!

Fuudo: *begins to cry*

Gandalf: Aw, fuck it. I'm leaving. I'll come back when you're not a cry baby. Bilbo can get out himself. And Kat...

Katwise: Yes?

Gandalf: ...Stop being so gay.

Katwise: Oh, alright sir.

Gandalf: *walking out house* This doesn't make sense at all. Even the movie is more adapted than this.

The Next Day.

Fuudo: *waking up, realizing Katwise is sleeping soundly next to her* ...what the hell happened last night?

Katwise: *talking in sleep* Oh Fuudo, not now! This isn't right...*blushing* Fuuuudoo.....

Fuudo: Ohmygawd. *jumps out window and lands in a bush*

Katwise: *wakes up* Fuudo. Fuudo? Fuudo! ....Fuudo.

Fuudo: *hearing a voice* Who's there! *turns to find a VERY VERY ugly man--no a dwarf, with a parrot on his shoulder*

Dwarf: Yarggg...why'd choo haft to jump in dis bush?

Fuudo: It's my damn bush. Who are you?

Dwarf: I be, uh...

Parrot: I be, uh...

Dwarf: Shut choo mouf, stoopid berd. I'm a pierat.

Fuudo: Don't you mean a pirate?

Dwarf: Don't choo bee a smertase.

Parrot: mmm, pie.

Fuudo: *smiles lightly* Nice bird. *pats it on head*

Dwarf: ...Hey!

Parrot: *eyes water up* Save me, Miss. Save me! This pirate has been mol--

Dwarf: !! YARG !! *begins to slap parrot.* You stupid...*coughs and looks at Fuudo* I mean, such a loving bird...

Fuudo: You're voice isn't very pirate like anymore...

Parrot: *raises voice* YEs...because he is...!

Dwarf: *runs out of bush* ...Gotta go! I mean, YARG! Ho Ho Ho, and bottle of rum! Matey!

Fuudo: Hopefully I'm just high.

Gandalf: *sitting in kitchen when Fuudo comes in* My dear Fuudo, I've come back! It really didn't take 17 years, isn't that swell?

Fuudo: *begins to cry* It is! *hugs Gandalf*

Gandalf: *coughs* hum. Well, yes, very nice. But I have worse news. The Ragu sauce happens to be evil. Yes, it might be a tasty, innocent sauce, but at heart it's evil. It's mother is evil. It's awakening...I can hear it bubble...it's heard it's master dinner bell.

Fuudo: But how? Didn't Sauron die?

Gandalf: Not really. Gollum just took the sauce and ran. Can't blame the fellow, either. Either way, it cannot stay here. Sauron has already realised the sauce is around this area...and he's sent his mafia out. They should be here anytime soon. You must leave immediately.

Fuudo: But where will I go?

Gandalf: Go to Rivendell. I will be waiting there, at the Inn of The---wait...Never mind. Just go to the House of Elrond, the majestic city of Rivendell, the Last Homely Home...

Fuudo: *stuffs birdseed log in pack* What about Bag End? And--*hears bushes shake*

Gandalf: Get down!

Fuudo: *falls to ground and whispers* It's most likely Katwise...

Gandalf: *walks to window and shoves staff at stranger, a loud complaint is heard. Continues to grab whoever is in the bushes and throw him at the table* Gimli son of Gloin, have you been ease-dropping again?!

Katwise: *pops up from bushes* I found some parrot droppings down here! It's quite gross.

Fuudo: *stands up and sighs*

Gimli: Well, yarg, me self is dying for some conversations. I need some new rumors. You know, to spread amongst me pierats. *spits while talks*

Gandalf: *wiping spit from face* Very well then. Run along now, though...because you shouldn't appear until the council.

Gimli: But...*eyes water up*

Gandalf: GO. *points to door*

Gimli: *pouts and walks out door gloomily*

Gandalf: Alright then. Fuudo, I will see you in Rivendell, along with Ms. Gamgee.

Katwise: Oh! *squeels* A quest with Ms. Fuudo! How exciting! How Daring! ...How Romantic! *sings* Does she ever get the girl? What will happen now? Is it up to Kat to save the day?

Gandalf: I pray for you, Fuudo.

Fuudo: *cries* Take me with you! *tugs on Gandalf's robes*

Gandalf: I cannot. I'm going to Isengard, to seek out Saruman, the head of my order. I hate him alot though, he's a dickface.

Fuudo: *nods*

Gandalf: Do you have the sauce, Fuudo?

Fuudo: *places hand on chest pocket, where she keeps the Ragu in the container.

Gandalf: Good. Whatever you do, don't eat this sauce. The forces of Sauron are drawn to it's smell. Good luck, and I will see you at Elrond's Whore Ho---I mean, Elrond's Homely Home! *rides off quickly*

Fuudo: *turns to Katwise*

Katwise: *huge, dopey grin on face*

Fuudo: *turns around, almost frightenly and begins to walk*

To be continued. Obviously, hahahah.

(Torture Gollum)

[29 Mar 2002|10:19am]

[ mood | accomplished ]


i made a new icon ^_^


(2 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUUs | Torture Gollum)

[29 Mar 2002|09:54am]

[ mood | full ]

OMG Arien just gave me the greatest idea for LOTRagu! :D

Gandalf's hat and Treebeard fall in love and make a love child that is a cross between an Ent and a hat


(Torture Gollum)

[23 Mar 2002|09:34pm]

[ mood | bored ]

I got bored and decided to draw Lord of the Ragu Pics, and these are the only two that came out looking semi-good. I also colored 'em in with my computer out of boredom.

Katwise! ^_^ This originally had Katwise saying "..oops?" with a bottle of ragu spilt all over the floor, and Fuudo standing next to her giving her the 'evil eye' and saying "I hate you." But, Fuudo got messed up, as well did the bottom part of Katwise so I just cut that out.

Gandalf and Fuudo. Being as this parody has all the characters backwards (ex. all boys are girls and yada yada) I made Gandalf a woman. And young.

(Torture Gollum)

[06 Mar 2002|07:29pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

OK! I'll be doing the next chapter soon...once I finish my other slash fic and all...and I'm almost done. ^^;

until then, keep your ragu sauce unspoiled. ;;

(3 RAGUUUUUUUUUUUUUs | Torture Gollum)

*lies down in the middle of the men's room half naked* BABY'S GOT A BOOM-BOOM [19 Feb 2002|08:46pm]

[ mood | creative ]

ok some character suggestions (mind you, they are only suggestions):

Nob - A hobbit with the unfortunate job of cleaning up after Barliman Butterbur.

Joey Bombadil - Some guy who lives in the woods, completely oblivious to the rest of the outside world. He frequently urinates on evil trees and barrows to save the hobbits from them. He encourages the hobbits to enjoy their time in his woods, even letting them on his tree swing (which he is to chicken to use himself). He spends most of his day being happy and gay and trying to win the affections of the river daughter, the yellow haired Linsberry (another character suggestion), who in turn spends most of her day trying to avoid him. Eating the one Ragu has no effect on him... he never did care for Italian food.

Bill Ferny - A man who lives in Bree who is in the process of remodeling his house to resemble a choo-choo train. His kids all blaze up while hanging outside his daughter's bedroom window. He is a spy for the nazgul mafia. He mistreats his animals, and sells one of his mistreated steeds to the hobbits at triple the price of a healthy steed. As an act of revenge the pimp king and the hobbits egg his just completed choo-choo house as they head off for Weathertop.

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