--Lord of the Ragu, Part Five
Strider: I know what hunts you...
Fuudo: You know about whats been chasing us?
Strider: That's what I just said. Listen, you fuck.
Fuudo: Then why do they keep sniffing!!
Strider: Are you that dumb?
Fuudo: *tears up*
Strider: I should have been warned about this shit...I may be a ranger but the other half of me has a love for luscious women who enjoy music such as Lutha. I've gots to get my big big money, you know?
Fuudo: *sniffles* Thats awful! Tell me why they keep sniffing!
Strider: Ugh...because they smell the delicious one sauce.
Fuudo: How do you know about---
Katwise: Let 'em go you big oaf or I'll dry hump you! *shakes fist along with Leeny and Mippin*
Strider: You have a stout heart, little flamboyant hobbit...But it will not help you in the long run. Especially against me, Strider, the delicious ranger! *teeth sparkle*
Leeny: No way - you're on the Rangers?!
Mippin: *stares in awe*
Katwise: They're awesome! I had season tickets before we went on this whole quest thing for the Ragu...
Katwise: Oops...I forgot about not mentioning the one sauce in your possession thing...
Fuudo: No, I mean...you had season passes? *tears up* And we didn't get to use them? It must have costed you a fortune...!
Katwise: Oh, Ms Fuudo I'm so sorry!! See, I didn't say anything because I was too busy thinking about being able to aid you in any
sexual heroic way possible during this deathly quest...
Fuudo: *sighs* Well, in any case...Strider does know of the one sauce anyway, and why do you, may I question?
Strider: Huh? One sauce...? What one sauce?
Fuudo: But...you just...
Strider: Nah. I'm just kidding. I know, I know. All you need to know now is you must trust me. Gandalf has been unheard or unseen of for some time now and I have just found you now. I need to let you know that you must avoid any contact with the Nazgul mafia.
Leeny: Nazgul mafia?
Strider: Yes. The Nazgul mafia...the undead yet unliving nine who once wore the nine rings that were very unsignificant. They have been searching EVERYWWHEReeee for you! Their godfather, the Witchking, is pissed as shit and I owe him a large sum for...Well, lets just say that your ranger here is 800 down the hole. Either way, you do not want to get involved with the Nazgul mafia...Especially since you have the one sauce that will ultimately lead us into a catastrophic doom enslaving every race and dominioning over all land - tree and hill! I will be your guide - for it is an unsafe way you will prob'ly take, since you all smell and have horrible taste in clothing. Ew ew ew.
Leeny: *sniffs on Strider's dresser*
Strider: *shudders* I think you should all sleep tonight while I keep watching for the Nazgul mafia and admire your small breathing bodies.
All hobbits: *shrugs* Yeah, yeah...alright...
Nazgul Mafia Guy: Heeeeeyyaaaa...I think I'ma smelling it nearby.</b>
Nazgul Mafia Guy 2: Oh wow oh wow! Let's not waste a second! The boss is getting all quiet lately...And I'm sick of all this non-Ragu sauce. I'm ready to ya know, piss-a my gown thinking about that deliciousss sauce...
Nazgul Mafia Guy: *sniffs* Halflings are somewhere in...Bree! *the Nazgul mafia race towards Bree and down the streets where several drunks including Peter Jackson with his shirt half off and lying on the street with carrots drooling off the side of his mouth. The mafia continues on through the streets and breaks through the doors of the Prancing Pony*
Barliman Butterbur: *sitting in the corner, mumbling* Yeah...yeah...WHAT?! *listens to Nazgul Mafia break through the door and come stampeding by..begins to whimper and cry* Oh please do not find me here and please do not kill Nob because I cannot clean this mess by myself...
Nazgul Mafia: *Rip apart beds and screech* DANG! DANG! *pulls out gun and shoots mattress* Where'd those fricken halflings goes?! *screeches louder than Joe Pesci when he wants his bottle*
Fuudo: *sitting up from bed* What're they doing?...
Strider: *counting his wad of cash* Eh, who cares...
THE NEXT DAY. BOO YAH
Barliman: Nob! NOB!
Nob: *mopping up floor in corner* Yes sit?
Barliman: Get these guest their ponies, and uh...make sure you get the crackers in the floor boards.
Nob: *slowly turns and walks towards doors to stable* Fucking perv...
Fuudo: Thank you for accomodating us Mr. Butterbur. But then I have to take that thank you back on account you are a stupid fuck that didn't give me my letter from Gandalf and you served me Gespatcho and told me it was tomato sauce. What the FUCK were you thinking?!
Barliman: Well, I uh...
Nob: Your ponies were killed and shiat so I just stole some from Bill Ferny *wheezes in laughter* That guy is a badass...him and his Choo Choo Train house and all his 14 teenaged kids hanging out in the window.
Strider: That'll tug him down a notch. *Everyone laughs like asian school kids*
A FEW DAYS LATER AFTER THE ADVENTURE OF BILL FERNY AND THE MAGICAL CHOO CHOO TRAIN OF COCO PARI
Strider: This was once the great watch tower of Amon Sul...now it's all broken and beaten from all the wild house parties. Then someone stole the palantir and the owners kids got in huge trouble. It was a long, long time ago. Anyway, let's rest here and hopefully none of you will do something dumb while I go and look around.
Fuudo: *wakes up from a deep sleep consisting of Smurfberry Crunch* What are you guys doing?!
Katwise: We saved some for you, Ms. Fuudo!!
Leeny: It's tomatoes and sausages and rice krispee bacon!!
Fuudo: You idiots! *sniffles* Put it out, put it out! *stomps on fire*
Mippin: There's ashes in my to-mat-oesss!!!
Nazgul Mafia guy: GEEEEEZE-A!
Fuudo: They're here!! Quick, run up through the stairs and we'll wait there! *everyone runs up*
Katwise: *turns frantically. is hoping to protect Fuudo and gain her love. However, suddenly dark tall figures come out from the shadows holding clubs and other FOREGIN OBJECTS OF TORTURE*
Nazgul Mafia Guy: Maan the boss is going to be on the high seat tonight! And we just got it repaired yesterday! We're in good luck, boys! *Nazgul mafia charge towards Leeny and Mippin and push them off*
Katwise: BACK YOU DEVILS! *Charges towards NAzgul Mafia but is pushed aside*
Fuudo: *CRIES* WHat in the hell can I do to protect myself?! *starts to back away*
Nazgul Mafia Guy: WE LIKE TOLDS YA WE WERE GONNA GET YAS IN THE END!
Nazgul Mafia Guy 2: Oh I wonder where that fish did go...a fish a fish...a fishy ooooooooo....
Witchking: Good work boys. I will reward you back at the chambers. But for now, let's gets some ragu! A YUMYUMYUMYUM
Fuudo: *backing away and falls down as Nazgul Mafia corner her with old italian slang* What to do...oh god...I'm so...screwed...and...hungry...! *gulps sauce and disappers in fright*
Fuudo: *lays there and sees blurred versions of all the Nazgul Mafia as they used to be -- there were 8 men in slick suits with gelled hair in an old suburban street wielding chains and car emblems and buckets of fire water ---- and the Witchking...a John Travolta look alike!
Witchking: Yeah...*shifts eyes*..look alike...*tries to grab sauce and Fuudo repels. Witchking then takes out his gun and shoots Fuudo in the breast*
Fuudo: AGHH!!!!!! *hacks up sauce* OH GOD THIS PAIN! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Katwise: Fuudo! My poor Ms. Fuudo!! *runs over and carresses her*
Strider: God dammit! You stinkin guidos! *runs out and shoves fire in their faces* Take some fire you low lifes!
Witchking: Hey you owe us Aragorn!
Strider: *mumbles* Don't do this to me...*throws fire down the Witchking's robe*
Witchking: AHHH MY BEAUTIFUL ABERCROMBIE & FITCH ROBE! *runs away rubbing his burning face*
Strider: *shoves sword back in hilt and runs to Fuudo* What's happened?
Katwise: You've got to help her!!
Strider: Right in the boobage...
Leeny: Tell me about it...
Strider: *lifts up gun off the ground* It seems Fuudo has been shot by a morgul gun...The bullet is lodged deep within her, and she needs help fast or she will turn into a poor, ridiculed, italian stereotype! We have to get her to Rivendell - the last homely home...Elrond's whore house
Katwise: Rivendell...that is four days away! He'll never make it!
Strider: Then hurry it up, lard ass.