--Lord of The Ragu
Trowadriel's Voice: Once upon a time, in a place magical and very friendly, a happy chef made some sauce. *serious music* This sauce was like no other. He decided to put this to good use. So, he gave 3 plastic containers of sauce to the three elven kings, wisest and fairest of them all. And 7 containers to the dwarf lords who uh...are big eaters. And 9...9 containers to the race of men. These men have no special meaning.
But anyway....some evil guy, we've never even heard of...named....Sauron....was a close friend of the preppy chef. and he got jealous. So in the lands of Mordor he created in his giant Pot of Doom, the ultimate sauce. One Sauce to Rule Them All.
*fire from the pot blazes up*
Trowadriel's Voice Again: Fierce Battles across the now unhappy Middle-Earth were bad, so bad that they were just bad and no one could make it. Until during a final battle, a chef named Whatshistoe stood against Sauron and his mighty sauce. Sauron breathed heavily on the chef guy and he died. His son, the waiter was so sad, he stood against Sauron but got scared and ran. So everything was hopeless. Until Sauron gave birth to Gollum and Gollum ran away with the Sauce. He was so scared of his mother Sauron, he dug himself deep into the Misty Mountains where Bilbo was having tea. Somehow Bilbo got the Sauce and ended up back at the Shire.
And so...our delicious meal begins.................................................
--The Shire, 60 years later...
Fuudo: *leaning against tree, curly brown hair ruffled up as head looks down at book. lifts head to the sound of horses drawing closer on the road* Gandalf!
Gandalf: *humming* Pringles...pizzzaaa liciousss....
Fuudo: *runs up to road* You burnt my cookies!
Gandalf: Well Fuudo...some cookies are MEANT to be burnt.
Fuudo: *crying* It's wonderful to eat cookies again! *jumps into Gandalf's arm*
Gandalf: You smell. Get off me.
Fuudo: *eyes watter up* B-b-b-ut...
Gandalf: YOU HEARD ME. *throws Fuudo off cart* I'm not in a good mood. I'm sad because I tried to make the perfect baked zitti for Bilbo's party and I added Cascade instead of parmessan cheese. OH WHICH REMINDS ME *kisses Fuudo's head and sucks out parmessan cheese* mmm, delicious. *winks*
Fuudo: *cries more*
Gandalf:Yeah well I have to get on to Bilbo's...so get the fuck off my cart.
Fuudo: ok you Geezer. Well anyway Gandalf...it's wonderful to see you again...*jumps off cart lightly*
Gandalf: *twitching* You too. *puts pipe in mouth and blazzes up, continues to swerve off side of rode, almost hits little hobbit children*
Gandalf: *rides up to Bilbo's house* well, Gandalf, here you are. Get ready to mother. *lifts up chest, then knocks on door*
Bilbo: GO AWAY, we don't want anymore bill collectors, girlscouts or fake-italian accents..go away!
Gandalf: And what about very old drug-dealers?!
Bilbo: ...Gandalf? *opens door, tears fill eyes* OH Gandalf! How I've missed you! *goes straight for his breast milk*
Gandalf: *pushes him away, as he still tries to get near* Dear Bilbo, how have you been? You haven't aged a day!
Bilbo: *blushes* Ah well...*shakes parm cheese off hair* Come in, won't you?
Gandalf: Yes, yes...*walk in, looks like he is going to hit top of door but walks right through* ah...I love these hobbit holes.
Bilbo: How about a good smoke? Heh...*grins*
Gandalf: YES! IT HAS BEEN YEARS SINCE I HAVE LAST BLAZED UP *actually blazed up on the cart not to long ago*
Bilbo: aight, y0, hold on. *scurries away to get pipeweed*
Gandalf: Do you have any pasta, also?
Bilbo: Yes...but I have no sauce...*places hand in pocket*
Gandalf: *suspiciously eyes Bilbo finger around in his pocket*
Bilbo: I'm old Gandalf...I know I don't look it...but I feel it in my bones. I need a vacation. I need somewhere to rest, blaze up, and finish my cook book...I need to get away...and I don't want to come back, in fact I mean not to...*serious music*
Gandalf: *long silence, followed by him laughing hysterically*
Bilbo: *wearing big thick glasses and a gold chain* Finest weed in the south farthing.
Bilbo: *makes pasta shapes with smoke*
Gandalf: I crave some Rugrats Mac&Cheese...
Bilbo: Gandalf, this party will BE cheese...and some sauce...and maybe Cotton Eyed-Joe dances...but it'll be the best fucking party you ever been to in your years.
Gandalf: I hear ya, G.
Fuudo: *dancing to cotton-eyed Joe with other hobbits*
Gandalf: *goes to get more fireworks, laughing like a maniac* HAHAHA GO PYROMANIACS
Fuudo: *dancing over casually to Kat* C'mon Katwise, ask Rosie for a dance!
Katwise: But I rather dance with you Ms. Fuudo!
Fuudo: *walks away scared*
Bilbo: And there I was in the dark alley...sweating heavily, praying to my only God I wouldn't be found...and then...there I was, the lights were on me...and I was surrounded by 3 monstrous police, all arguing on how they were going to cuff me. Then Gandalf came...POOF...
Little hobbit children: *gasping*
Bilbo: and flashed them! They all turned to stone!
Leeny & Mippin: *run out from under tent, Leeny helps Mippin jump onto cart*
Mippin: This one?
Leeny: Nooo! The lobster tail, lobster tail!
Mippin: *jumps off cart holding lobster tail, runs under tent*
Leeny: *walks backwards casually, holding block of cheese...smells it, then runs back into tent*
Mippin: *lights lobster tail* Done!
Leeny: Stick it in the ground!
Mippin: It IS in the ground! *pushes it at him*
Leeny: Do it!
Mippin: This was your flemming idea! *lobster tail shoots out of tent and into air*
All Hobbits: *amazed and gasping, as giant lobster firework comes flying in the sky*
Fuudo: *runs to Bilbo* Bilbo, there's a lobster!
Bilbo: Nonsense, there hasn't been a lobster in these parts for over a thousand years!
Fuudo: *ducks pulling Bilbo down with him, lobster goes into sky and burst, all hobbits cheer*
Leeny: Wow, that was so fun. The rush of doing something bad is in my veins, lets do it again!
Mippin: Yeah...let's get another on--*screams in pain from getting pulled on ear*
Gandalf: Leeniadoc Brandybuck..and Ameragrin Took...I wouldn't of known. *laughins stupidly*
Fuudo: *jumps up infront of Gandalf and the two hobbits and yells in their faces* SPEECH!
Bilbo: DEAR HOBBITS, since I don't feel like naming you all...but I don't think I care...and I regret to announce this is the end, I'm going now..I bid you all a poor farewell, GOODBYE. *shoves some Ragu in mouth and turns invisible*
All Hobbits: *go into big frenzy looking for him, not knowing why he disappeared*
TO BE CONTINUED. CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!...
YES, i know it's not funny so far...but when Gimli comes, it'll be a whole new acid trip.